Becoming a Mother

Becoming a Mother

This little life that is now mine to raise, to mold, is a dream come true, a prayer answered. I pray that my son will be an independent loving compassionate man. This beautiful little boy has blessed my life in ways I didn’t even know possible.  It’s been 12 years of heartache and pain longing to become a mother while going though miscarriages. Then out of nowhere my miracle arrived. Now as I sit here holding my son those years seem like distant memories. With every coo I find myself feeling so elated, endlessly happy. Those midnight feedings don’t bother me at all, in fact I would sit with him all night if that’s what he wanted. When those bright blue eyes gaze at me, I know I am where I am meant to be. The small things thrill me, the little burps, the crying to be held, the changing of diapers, I love it all. These are all things I have longed to do for many years. I am complete, God heard my cries and has blessed me. My sons story of coming into this world is absolutely beautiful. It is his story to tell when he is old enough, but I will share mine with the world shout it from the rooftops because I am a mother. I am so proud of being my son’s mother, but it isn’t without heartbreak that he is mine.

Thus the tale beings on a random day in early 2018. My family has some very good family friends that have been a part of our lives for over 15 years plus. In fact, I call the daughter of the family my sister. Though we are separated by ten years she will always be my little sister. She asked me one day if she could give my husband and I ‘s name to a young lady who had just had a baby and was pregnant with another that she couldn’t keep. We of course agreed, not thinking much of it. She knew my heart my pain and my desire to be a mom. My husband and I could not even fathom the thought of becoming parents because we had been down this road before only to end in extreme turmoil from a woman who was running a scam.  Then a few months after our name was given to this young woman I got a quick call to tell me to watch for a friend request from her on Facebook. Then there it was before me the life changing friend request. My heart was soaring but I knew I needed to keep it in check for my own emotional wellbeing. I gave her a few days to scope out my page to become familiar with us. With my hands shaking I sat down and wrote a private message to her. My message was a long forthcoming letter of support and willingness to help her. To my surprise she wrote back, and we kept exchanging messages. Then we decided to meet each other to see how it goes.

From the moment we saw each other I knew it was fate. Some sort of strange feeling of maternal love sprung up within me. I wanted to protect her, to help her, to be her friend. We kept on messaging and talking to each other building a relationship that ultimately ended in a lifelong friendship. I knew I could trust her, and she knew she could trust me.  She chose us to be the parents of the little one growing inside her. I knew she was serious it was like it was always meant to be; there was never a doubt since the moment we met with her. The intense joy I experienced during this time was incredible, almost indescribable. Not to say there were not nerves, it would be unnatural if there were not. We scheduled a 4D ultrasound to find out the babies’ gender. I was nervously excited as we sat in the waiting room. This was a moment I will never forget. There he was my son; this beautiful baby was there on the screen. He was strong and thriving in her womb. I wanted nothing more than to greet him as he entered this world. It was so much fun. A dream of mine came true that day to see my child inside the uterus growing strong. There he was my baby boy happy, healthy, all three of us were ecstatic. 

Every single appointment that the baby had I was there, happy to be welcomed to be a part of it all. Tummy Mommy as we call her was truly amazing through everything. She was gracious, kind, and humble. The first time she called me the babies mom it took everything I had to fight back the happy tears that were stinging my eyes. We developed a deep friendship with each other, I truly enjoyed her company. The more we talked the more we both opened up about ourselves and what we deal with in life. There was no judgement, only a listening ear.

When the big day was finally here I found myself anxious. We had been through so much, the adoption home study process, the paperwork, the years of deep pain. Was this really the end to all that? Was u ready to be a mom? Did I have what it takes? We never left her side, we were in it for the long haul, she deserved that from us. We went into the hospital on a Wednesday night, because the baby wasn’t moving as much as he should. So in the triage of labor and delivery they did an ultrasound to see what was going on. The ultrasound revealed that the baby was out of growing room with extremely low fluid levels. They decided to keep her to observe then make decisions later on what was next.

 After a few long hours wondering why they were not going to go ahead and induce labor the momentous moment finally came. Me and Tummy Mommy were getting some much needed coffee when we were told we are having a baby time to induce labor! The excitement was absolutely breathtaking! We all stayed in the same room talking and bonding, actually having fun during the long process. Her cervix was stuck at a 3 for more than 14 hours, it was tiring for her. I have never had so much admiration for someone, she was a champion! The contractions were incredibly strong with as little as 30 seconds in between due to the combination of medications she was given. She had denied an epidural a few hours before trying to stick it out. The nurse was trying to get her to have one to help her body relax to allow her cervix to open up more. She eventually relented and got the epidural. The trick worked!  Then all of a sudden in the wee hours of Friday morning her cervix decided to go to a 5cm then boom 45 min later 10 cm. 36 hours after the start of the labor journey it was time for baby to make his arrival.

During that time the biological father was supposed to show up at push time to support Tummy Mommy and he wasn’t there. Things were getting serious baby was plunging into dangerous heart rate territory, doctors came rushing in and out. Then about 10 docs and nurses descended into the room time to push, to get baby out now. If not, then it would be emergency C-section time. I was standing on her left side and I noticed she started to cry and was trying to text bio dad. I leaned over brushed her tear away and said it’s going to be ok, I’m here to help you. She asked me to take the phone and text him and so I did. I knew she needed me in that moment, as much as I needed her. I held her leg as she was pushing to bring our baby into this world. I was encouraging her with a soft voice, she neither screamed or grunted but pushed as hard as she could through her tears and then there he was. 

A perfect little human, screaming as he entered the world. The most beautiful moment of my life. My husband went over to where the baby was so I could comfort her. Then it was time for baby to have his skin to skin time. She had chosen me to perform this beautiful task. My life changed in that exact moment he was laid on my bare skin. He opened his eyes and rested his head on my breast and stared at me. The tears of joy were stinging my eyes, he was perfect, my baby was looking at me. We stayed like that for a long while just looking at each other. I was overwhelmed with this rush of love like I have never felt in my life. It was incredible! He knew I was his mama, and I knew he was my son. My body started to react to his, just as if I had given birth to him.

Tummy Mommy was happy that we were so happy. I hugged her and thanked her for making me a mama, even though saying thank you didn’t seem like enough. There aren’t any words to describe the deep utter thankfulness we feel. She blessed us with the child we had been longing for, she made us complete. Her heartbreak is our joy, it’ a feeling that I can’t describe. We all stayed in the hospital for three days, baby was with us and Tummy Mommy was in her own room. However, we were always in each other’s rooms. The nurse staff was surprised at how well we got along, I’m not sure why though. She was giving us life; why would I not want to spend time with her. I truly enjoyed her company, and I didn’t want to lose that even after the baby was born. My family came and went meeting baby and Tummy Mommy building a bond to last a life time.

 When it was time to leave the hospital we all left together. I was overcome with many emotions I didn’t even recognize. Extreme happiness, joy to take my child home, utter sadness for Tummy Mommy. I was leaving will full hands, she was leaving with empty ones. When we hugged the tears came freely she was feeling what I was, we didn’t have to exchange words we both knew. She one of the strongest woman I know, she was able to love so completely that she gave her baby to us to provide the type of life she couldn’t. That is the ultimate form of love. It’s the self-sacrificing love that allowed her to willingly and lovingly make me a mother, and my husband a father. There is no more perfect love than that.

My son will grow up and know his Tummy Mommy, her story, her love, her sacrifice. It’s incredibly important to me that he knows her. I know some people may be insecure about having their child know their biological mother, but I’m not. I know I am his mother, he will know I am his mother, but part of his identity is wrapped up in his Tummy Mommy. I’m happy about it. My journey to motherhood is unique but it’s beautiful in its complexity. I would have it no other way, we became a family in the most perfect way.

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