Grief is a word that can evoke a series of strange emotions. People often think of death when they hear the word grief, but in actuality grief can be brought about in many situations. Most all grief is rooted in loosing something or someone that meant something to you. There are many things in my life that I grieve over including death of loved ones, or death of a form of relationships. Grief can be earth shattering at times or it can be a subtle feeling that creeps over you. Is it possible to grieve many things at one time? I think so, it’s very possible because sometimes grief interconnects with other grief. I spent most of my twenty something years in a perpetual mode of grief. I lost all my grandparents, I very nearly lost my father. The innocence of childhood was gone, the wild-eyed dreamer I used to be. What was replaced was a serious girl crippled by fear of loss.
The grief of miscarrying my children is still very real and raw for me at times. The stinging pain of knowing I will never be able to successfully carry a child to term is a form of grief. That vison and dream of becoming a mother is lost to me. Sure I can nurture and love the children of friends and family but I can’t reach out and hold my own child. The dream of having my husband biological child has been taken, floating way up in the air very much like an unreachable uncontrollable balloon. I do tend to hold onto that grief because it is my connection to my children that have been miscarried. The grief reminds me they were real; I can feel the overwhelming powerful love I have for them through my grief. So I stubbornly hold on to that, very much like gripping the teddy bear of my childhood. The teddy bear is my comfort, the soft reminder that I am ok. Undergoing ten years of countless fertility treatments and four excruciating rounds of IVF washed grief into my life in an overwhelming sense. Marriage relationship grew deeper as the grief pounded in our minds. Life changed, reality changed, dreams changed and some were even let go. The tears have never lessened over the years never fully went away, tucked back way down deep in my heart lives the very real emotional reminder of what is waiting for me in heaven. I hold onto the graceful fact that my children will never feel fear, rejection, pain. My grief doesn’t define me it aids me in dealing with life.
These events in my life made my twenties a time I rather not live over, a time of compelling need to tell everyone I love how much I love them. Seeing my father lying in a hospital bed in ICU on a breathing machine was a punch in the face of real hardcore emotion. A man so strong, commanding, full of compassion lying there struggling for life. Grief my old friend has returned. The weeks that followed my father’s fight for life were the hardest I have ever faced. He struggled to live and to fill is lungs with air but he did it, he beat the odds. A true miracle of my life was seeing my father once classified as the sickest man in the hospital become himself again. This is where grief can take a strange turn, relationships change when hardcore situations happen in life. My parents had to go through an adjustment in their life as a direct result of my father’s illness. The struggle for them to grieve their former life has not be easy, in fact it has been downright unforgiving in its hardness. Changing dynamics in a relationship can trigger a grief response. This my friends is how grief enters life and whips about like the wind in the trees. I have a notion that Peace and grief are friends. Peace the sense of calm washed over me when I realized my father was going to live, and then grief sweeps in to realize his whole world is going to change. Grieving what he had lost seems odd at first but it wasn’t just his life changed it was the whole families lives. Grief, peace, gratitude, and humbleness are so tightly knitted when we open ourselves up to emotions.
Grief can come in the form of pinning for a life you can’t have, or a career that is lost to you due to illness. Grief is an emotion that will bring you to your knees, however it also has the power to give you unshaking resolve. I am no long the crippled by fear for I have been set free, life changes and I change with it. I stopped fighting the grief and change allowing grief to flow into the new me realizing grief is also touched by grace. I urge everyone to find the grace within the mountains of grief it will bring you peace. Embrace the grief, don’t let it take over your life but let is sweep through you like the wind to remind you that you are alive, so go live life like your alive.