Have you ever wanted to just run away? Not really from the one you love but from your life. Take a life vacation? Take your love and fly somewhere new and exotic forget the reality of your life. That feeling can sometimes be overwhelming when life just isn’t the way you wanted it to turn out, or you have been disappointed by your own life choices. I feel that way today. It isn’t an unpleasant feeling just one that nags at you to run. The voice in my head says, who cares about the expense just leave get away, to a place of peace. Life has turned on me in such a way that it is unfamiliar and lonely. Career is out the window along with any hope of return. Disease eats away at my body taking my strength with it. That upbeat happy girl inside is still there but she is tired, longing for a break. Look past the surface, a well-loved woman with a man who cares incredibly deeply for her, a family that is supportive and loving, see the pain hidden in the corner like a little black mark overshadowing the light?
The little black mark in the corner of my life sometimes grows with the intention of not being ignored. I try to fight the black mark but the more you fight the more it grows. Life has changed so rapidly in just a few years that it is unrecognizable. No longer do I have the military lifestyle for all its pain is gone, but I have now a constant struggle of identity. His wife, yes of course, but what does that mean in this world? He tries so hard to make his way in the world and because he served his country he can’t find a decent job? Stuck forever at the bottom, starting over in the world. What kind of struggle is that? A noble man struggling to make ends meet because of his country. This pains me, I see it in his eyes every day when he comes home, the sadness of not being satisfied in his work, with the rejections piling up at the doorstep. Is this how life is now? I look in the mirror who is that I am looking at? An older version of myself that is beat down by disease, heartache, and false happiness. The subtle lines forming under my eyes remind me that I am tired and worn. I have found my great love and I am blessed beyond measure but life is strangling me. Happiness is what we make of it, right? Maybe, or maybe not. I am happy, I have a home and family, a devoted man, but I am not happy in the situations of my life. I didn’t have this in the plans. I wanted to travel the world, save animals, not be laying on the couch hoping to feel better someday. Be thankful, be happy, words I hear myself saying, but can’t I even admit and express to myself that I wanted to much more than this?
I wanted magical life with children, this can’t be, for disease has killed that dream. Eleven years of pain and mourning for lost life of children is enough for a lifetime. Be happy, be thankful….. I am for some things, not for others. I am mad as hell that my life has taken the turn of being ruled by my failing body. Can I walk two city blocks to explore uncharted territory, no my legs will not carry me that far. Exhaustion sets in and I stumble. What form of life is this? How can I overcome it, I am not sure but I am going to figure it out? I don’t want to live my life in my head, I want to get out and experience it. The way I did when I was young, fearless.
I have never been more thankful for anything as much as I am thankful for my husband. He is my rock, my everything. He takes the pieces of my broken self and puts them back together. He has it rough, I never wanted that. I wanted to be the mother of his children, the perfect wife, the magnificent lover, but I fall short. I have come to realize that perfection is just a dream that isn’t an achievable goal, it’s a way of putting too much pressure on oneself. This doesn’t mean that I don’t strive for it, but it sets myself up for disappointment. Running away is a dream, taking his hand leaving this mundane existence to find something new, is a dream. Is that dream possible? I am not sure, but I aim to try. Am I happy, yes I am happy in my relationship, I am happy with my family, I am happy with my furbabies, but life sometimes gets me down. Running away doesn’t fix anything, but it is nice to dream about.